Little Bouts of Randomness
by Redbayly
Summary: My collection of one-shots, drabbles, and ideas that could go somewhere in the future. I have been reading the same kind of collections by Roschach's Blot and Clell and figured I should do one of my own because those two are my fanfiction idols. Rated for safety, please enjoy.
1. Big, Blonde, and Beautiful

**This is my response to all those Slash fics where Draco is actually a Veela and has chosen Harry as his mate and all that shit. I don't care if you like Slash or Veela!Draco fics; I personally find them distasteful and many of them are just plain sick. I have a particular hatred for M-preg fics; I mean really, people, there is no logical explanation for a man getting pregnant. What, is the baby supposed to come out of his ass or is it going to burst out of his stomach and result in him bleeding to death?**

**Sorry about the rant. I don't own Harry Potter. Oh, and I also don't own any songs from Hairspray.**

Big, Blonde, and Beautiful

Harry blinked several times as his mouth hung open.

"What?" he said dumbly.

"You heard me, Harry," said Dumbledore brightly. "Young Draco here is a male Veela and has chosen you as his mate."

"What?" Harry repeated.

"Oh, come now, Potter," Malfoy said with what he thought was a seductive grin. "Don't tell me you didn't sense it. There's always been something between us."

"If by that you mean a very, very, _very_ deep sense of loathing, then yes," Harry replied. He then turned back to Dumbledore. "Is this even for real? As far as I've seen, Veela are always female. I even read in a book that Veela are immortal female creatures who are only allowed to become mortal when they find a human mate and that any male offspring are always human and any female offspring are a fifty-fifty toss-up between human and Veela."

"Now, now, Harry, let's not disrupt the situation with meaningless facts," Dumbledore admonished. "I think this is a marvelous opportunity for you both to settle your differences and promote inter-House unity. So, if you'll just be ready after dinner this evening, we will have the wedding ceremony and you will be Mrs. Malfoy."

Harry looked about ready to be sick. Draco swaggered over next to him and took him by the arm.

"I just can't wait for the wedding night," Draco said. "We'll have at least five children, I think."

"And how the hell does that work?!" Harry screamed. "What, is the baby going to pop out of my arse?! Or is this going to be like the face-hugger and a mutant alien spawn bursts out of my chest?!"

"Harry, sweetie, please use your indoor voice," Draco shushed.

"Headmaster, you can't do this!" Harry yelled.

"I'm sorry you feel this way, Harry," said Dumbledore. "But, really, it is for your own good and I think it would be nice for you to have a significant other who cares so much about you. Besides, if you don't agree to mate with young Mr. Malfoy then his Veela powers will cause him to die."

"And that would be a loss _how_?"

"Why won't you love me, Harrykins?!" Draco sobbed. "I've got money, good looks, and power, what more could you want?!"

"Harry, I am afraid the wedding will go through as scheduled," said Dumbledore firmly. "I suggest you apologize to your fiancé for your rudeness and be ready for the wedding as soon as dinner concludes."

Harry didn't apologize to Draco. He simply bolted from the room and ran in search of help.

* * *

Escape would be impossible. Dumbledore had all the exits sealed off and had the faculty follow Harry practically everywhere. Harry had managed to slip away long enough to meet with the one person who had any chance of getting him out of this. As soon as dinner had vanished from the tables, Dumbledore stood up.

"I have a very important announcement to make," he declared.

That's when Luna Lovegood got up from Ravenclaw table, grabbed Harry by the front of his robes, and marched over to where Draco was sitting at Slytherin table.

"I object!" the girl shouted. "Malfoy, I am going to explain things so simply even a Scatterblatted Humperdink like you can understand." She then thrust her hand down and grabbed Harry's very ample male parts through his clothes. "This is mine! My property that you can't have. My Harry, my Harry's male bits, my Harry's well-formed arse. You can't have it. If you ever try to touch my man again, I will end you!"

She then reassumed her dreamy smile while still feeling Harry up through his clothes.

"However, I will share with a very select group of other girls, but only if I can join in. Daphne, Tracey, you are both more than welcome." She turned back to the Gryffindor table. "Hermione, you're at the top of my list for girls who can share Harry with me."

"Thanks, Luna," Hermione said uncertainly, her eyes locked on where the blonde girl was groping Harry.

Luna then turned to the headmaster.

"Professor Dumbledore, I think you can call off that marriage you were trying to force my boyfriend into," she said with a sunny smile.

"I…er…"

"Listen, Lovegood," Draco protested. "I'm not giving Potter up without a fight."

"Okay, then," Luna replied and rammed her foot right into Draco's male parts. "Wanna know why I did that, Draco?" Luna said cheerily, stomping the boy again. "It's because I'm _big, blonde, and beautiful_," she sang, stomping him on each chord. "_I offer big love, with no apologies. How can I deny Harry the most of me? No, I am not afraid to stamp you down. Pound,_" STOMP, "_by pound_," STOMP, "_by pound!_" STOMP. "_'Cause I'm…big, blonde, and beautiful. Face the fact, it's simply irrefutable! No man wants lover who only offers the least, when he's Harry and can have the whole damn feast._"

"Where is that music even coming from?" Hermione muttered to Ron, who was too fixated on Luna's stomping routine to reply.

"_Yeah, baby, give me a piece of that Harry-pie,_" she playfully tapped Harry on the nose. "_Come on Sugar-daddy, don't be shy. Try to take my Harry and you won't survive,_" she shot a glare at Malfoy, "_Yeah, I will roast you alive. 'Cause I'm…big, blonde, and beautiful. Hey, Harry, is there somethin' 'bout me that's unsuitable?_"

"None that I can see," Harry replied shakily.

"_Yeah, why sit and pine away, all timid and shy, when you can shag the Chosen Guy._ _Whoaoaoao! _All together now!"

"_Big, blonde, and beautiful_," Luna sang with Daphne and Tracey nervously doing backup. "_Hey, Harry, baby, we can do it all! No, I don't let no ferrets bring us down, because I'll shove him in the water and let him drown! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaah!_"

"There, I think I made my point," Luna said to an awestruck hall full of students and faculty.

"That's the last time I take you to see Hairspray," Harry muttered.

"Um, yes, I think the wedding of Draco and Harry will have to be cancelled," Dumbledore said. "Um, if anyone needs me, I'll be in my office for, I don't know, the next twenty years or so."

* * *

**Author's Note: This is what happens when I go home and am supposed to work on a bunch of papers for school. I end up writing crap like this.**


	2. Twisting the Knife

**Inspired by "Love is a Many Splendored Thing" by Rorschach's Blot. Warning, this may contain anti-canon messages and dark themes.**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

Twisting the Knife

"Good afternoon, Mr. Potter," McGonagall said to the smiling man. "I take it you're here to speak with Dumbledore."

"Indeed I am, Professor," he replied brightly. "It's something that I've been looking forward to for ages."

"Very well, I'll just leave you two to talk, shall I?"

She made her way down the stairs as Harry entered the Headmaster's office. He soon caught sight of the portrait of the late Albus Dumbledore.

"Harry, my boy, it's been so long," the portrait greeted.

"Indeed it has, sir. Far too long."

"Harry, I want you to know that I am so proud of everything you did in the war and that you've forgiven an old man his mistakes."

"Forgive you? Who said anything about that?" said Harry, his smile never faltering.

"What? But…I don't understand. You walked into almost certain death on my instruction. And you named your son after me and Severus."

"Why do you say that? I would never allow myself to be killed for a bastard like you and I would never name _my_ son after you or that shit-stain Snape."

"But…but…"

"You know why I wanted to talk to you, Professor?" Harry began to pace the room slowly, his smile still vivid on his face. "It's because I wanted you to know that your little plan has fallen apart."

"What…what do you mean, Harry?" Dumbledore asked nervously.

"It always struck me as odd that no one thought my sudden interest in Ginny and Hermione's sudden interest in Ron back in sixth year was strange. Not even to us. Not even when Love Potions were being thrown around left, right, and center. You know what makes Love Potions so horrific? It's the fact that you are still fully aware of what's being done to you, even as your body is under the control of someone else.

"What I want to know from you is why. Why did it happen to me and Hermione?"

"Harry, I…I thought it was for the best. The magical society would never have accepted the Chosen One with a Muggle-born and I thought that you would all be well-matched. I wanted you to have a loving family."

Harry's laughter was unsettling.

"Do you know how Hermione reacted when that slob of a husband of hers forgot to give her the Love Potion? She wanted to kill herself. It was only by luck that I had been there in time to stop it because my whore of a wife thought she didn't need to douse me anymore. That I was truly in love with her."

"Harry…I…"

"The best part was when dear Ronald came home and we decided to teach him why it's bad form to rape the brightest witch in Britain and the Chosen One. You know, it took Ron and Ginny ten hours to die."

"Harry," Dumbledore gasped sickly.

"The only child we decided to bring with us was Rose, and that's only because she's her mother's daughter. The other little bastards, both the ones my wife spawned and claimed were mine and the ones Hermione was forced to give her rapist, would probably kill us if they knew. Ron treated Rose horribly when she went to Ravenclaw instead of Gryffindor, and then when she started dating a Slytherin boy.

"The fact of the matter is, Headmaster, this is farewell. Don't expect to see me, Hermione, or Rose in this country again. You robbed me of a life of happiness with the girl I loved, and now I'm getting it back no matter what I have to do."

"I never meant for this to happen," Dumbledore said in horror. "Never this."

"You know, Hermione never got to find her parents; Ron didn't want her to. I'm sure they won't be too happy over what happened to their daughter when we find them. That is, of course, if they weren't murdered by Death Eaters after Hermione erased their memories. When she came out of the Love Potion state, she seemed to be horrified that she had done that to them. Makes me wonder if you had anything to do with it."

"Harry, please, stop."

"Goodbye, Headmaster. The Aurors will probably be here soon and I don't want to leave my 'wife and daughter' waiting for me at the airport. Oh, and a parting gift." Harry placed a time-bomb on the desk. "I would say 'see you later' but we both know that would be a lie. And _I must not tell lies_, after all."

With that, Harry's portkey activated. Two seconds later the bomb exploded, destroying the Headmaster's office.


	3. The Purge

**This is not in any way connected with that stupid horror movie; that's not to say there isn't going to be gratuitous violence. On the contrary, the entire premise of this is that Harry Potter…well, I'll let you find out for yourself.**

**Just be aware that there are things in this that might trigger some people; including somewhat graphic descriptions of torture and violence as a eans of getting justice for crimes of that nature, including sexual crimes.**

**I don't own Harry Potter.**

The Purge

"Wakey wakey, Draco," said a mocking voice.

Draco Malfoy opened his eyes and his vision slowly came into focus on the grinning figure standing over him.

"Potter! What are you doing?! When my father-!"

"Yes, yes, when your father hears about this, blah, blah, blah," Harry said dismissively. "Of course, your father won't be hearing about anything from you because you'll be dead by then."

"WHAT?!"

That's when Draco realized he was strapped to a chair and didn't have access to his wand.

"You won't get away with this, Potter!" Draco screamed. "You'll be sent to Azkaban!"

Harry chuckled.

"I have no intention of ending up in Azkaban. You see, Draco, the magical law can only help you if they can link any magical activity back to me; however, I will be strictly adhering to 'Muggle' methods. I am going to teach you why Muggles should be feared."

"You're bluffing, Potter!"

"Am I? See for yourself, Draco. We are here alone, you don't have access to your wand, and you are restrained. The only magic involved in any of this was a silencing spell I cast with your wand. Speaking of which." Harry withdrew Draco's wand from his pocket, smiled genially, and snapped the stick in two before the horrified boy's eyes.

"Y-you can't do this, Potter," Draco said. "You're Dumbledore's golden boy."

"Dumbledore isn't here. You can thank Fudge and Umbridge for that. Even if he was, there is no way he would ever suspect me of what I am about to do to you."

"W-what _are _you going to do?" Draco now looked about ready to wet himself.

"Well, the thing is, Draco, I have had enough of you and your ilk getting away with anything short of murder, and I won't give you the chance to even attempt _that_. So, I thought to myself, 'Harry, old boy, no true Englishman would ever allow scum like those Death Eater spawn to go on to torture and kill.' So, I decided to take a leaf out of the book of Matthew Hopkins, my great-great-great, or something, grandfather. Oh, you wouldn't know about him, would you? Turns out, I actually come from a long line of witch-hunters from my mother's side; I think there was even a member of the Spanish Inquisition, way back. Amazing what you can find with just a bit of digging through your family tree. I'm just continuing a bit of family tradition; you of all people should understand that, Malfoy."

"You won't get away with this, Potter! People will suspect when it gets out that you were missing!"

"But I'm not missing, Malfoy," Harry said smoothly. "At this moment, I am sitting in the Gryffindor common room studying for my O.W.L.s exams."

"But…how?"

"Amazing what you can do with a bit of Polyjuice and a loyal, if somewhat insane, collaborator."

"Who?"

"My dear Miss Luna Lovegood just so happens to be descended from John Stearne, a good friend of Hopkins. Seems that some friendships can transcend generations. Now then, we were about to discuss what I am going to do with you. I think I will start by using an old-fashioned method of determining where you accepted the mark of Satan."

Harry dumped a bag of silver needles onto the nearby table.

"The trick is to find the one spot on your body that doesn't feel pain. So, I will just be sticking these needles into you until you stop screaming. Then, once I have finished my investigation and determined that you are a servant of the Devil, I will proceed to the next stage of my inquiry."

"Why…why are you doing this?! You're a wizard, too!"

"But you don't see me that way, do you, Draco? You just see me as scum under your boots. You and your Death Eater friends would gladly see me and those I care about suffer much worse than what I will do to you. Cheer up, Draco; you're going to have something that no one else will ever have."

"W-what?"

"The honor of being the first in the Purge I am about to unleash on the magical world. I know it might seem a bit harsh, but it's all for the 'Greater Good' as Dumbledore might say."

* * *

"Ron, have you noticed anything odd about Harry?" said Hermione.

Ron looked up from his Quidditch magazine that was secretly covering a copy of Playwizard and looked over at his best mate. Harry was reading his Divination book upside-down and humming cheerily.

"Seems fine to me," said Ron.

"He's unusually cheerful considering recent events. Plus, he's reading his textbook upside-down."

"It's a Divination book, Hermione. It's not like he can learn anything from it right side up."

"Speaking of learning, shouldn't you be studying, too?"

"I'll get to it." He held the magazine up to his face and grinned as the woman in the picture started to peel off her clothing.

* * *

"So, what happened?!" Umbridge demanded as the Aurors investigated the crime scene.

"Hard to say," said Kingsley. "From the looks of it, I'd say the boy was tortured to death. I wouldn't recommend going in there, Madam Umbridge, it's pretty messy."

"What exactly was done to him?"

"It's like something out of a text on the witch-hunts. Stuck repeatedly with needles, forced bloodletting, tongue cut out, total castration, eyes gouged, and finally roasted alive on a makeshift pyre."

Umbridge forced back the bile in her throat. How could something so horrendous have happened to such a fine, pure-blood boy like Draco Malfoy?

"I want a full investigation of this! Are there any leads as to who could have done this?"

"Unfortunately, there is no way to know for certain because no magic was used except for a silencing spell on the room that was cast with the victim's wand."

Umbridge seethed.

"It was that Potter brat. I know it was."

"We thought you might say that and did a check. Potter was in his dormitory when the attack happened. We have eyewitness testimony to validate it. Besides, I doubt a schoolboy, especially one so close with Dumbledore, would ever be able to do something like this. No, what we're looking for is a cold-blooded killer who has no sense of remorse. We'll keep searching, Madam, but I doubt we'll be able to find anything."

* * *

"Thanks for your help this evening, Sally," Harry said to his newest accomplice.

"Not at all, Harry," said Sally-Anne Perks as she tied up Draco's former bodyguards. "Removing mutants like these from society is the only sensible course of action."

Harry eyed her for a moment.

"You don't happen to have any witch-hunter ancestors, do you?"

"Not to my knowledge, but my grandfather was a supporter of the eugenics movement. Not that I believe in killing the mentally challenged or those with severe illnesses, but…"

"There's always an exception for Death Eater spawn."

"Exactly." She tied the last knot. "Shall we wake them up?"

"I think we shall."

Sally-Anne picked up the bucket of ice-cold water and tossed it onto Crabbe and Goyle, startling them awake.

"Wha?" said Crabbe.

"Whas goin' on?" said Goyle.

"Good evening, gentlemen," Harry said cheerfully.

"Potter!"

"Very good, you both learned how to say my name. Now, all these pleasantries aside, I've got a few questions for you that your dearly departed friend Draco wouldn't answer."

"Y-you killed him, didn't you?" Crabbe stammered out.

"Oh, well done, Mr. Crabbe," Harry said with a slow, mocking applause. "Did you figure that out all by yourself?"

"W-what d'you want, Potter?" Goyle asked fearfully. He was used to being in control over the people he and his buddies tormented; he never thought he'd be in a vulnerable position himself.

"Names, dates, information," Harry rambled off. "Sally over here told me about what you bastards did to her."

Sally-Anne fought back a wince. Harry had enlisted her help after he found her crying several weeks ago over what had happened to her.

"What I want to know is if you did the same to any other girls," Harry continued coldly. "Believe me, I have ways of making you talk." He produced a pair of rusty garden shears and pointed them towards Goyle's privates.

It took several hours, but the two goons cracked quicker than Harry expected. They detailed everything they and Malfoy had done and that Snape had known about all of it. Draco had gone down without giving any information, surprisingly. This time, however, Harry wrung every detail from the two bastards.

Sexual assault of three first-year girls in Hufflepuff, two in Ravenclaw, and four in Slytherin. Aiding Draco in violent attacks on Muggle-born students. Participation in sexual attacks on Tracey Davis and Daphne Greengrass in Slytherin (the goons had held the girls down while Draco had sodomized them and forced them to perform oral sex on him; legally he couldn't take their 'virginity' unless he was engaged to them). Conspiracy to assist in the rape of a minor (Draco had gotten his engagement to Astoria Greengrass, a second-year, approved and fully intended to take advantage of the situation). Rape of twelve Muggle-born and half-blood girls from each of the four Houses in all but seventh year (including Sally-Anne).

"We really appreciate your cooperation, gentlemen," Harry said as he wiped off the knife in his hand.

"Unfortunately, we can't allow you to live after this," Sally-Anne added.

"What?!" Goyle screamed. "But-but you…"

"Did we ever say anything about releasing you? After what you've done?" Sally-Anne tutted at them. "And here I thought you'd gotten a bit of intelligence. Oh well. Harry, might I do the honors?"

"Here you are." He handed her the knife.

"What's that supposed to be? Hand me the big one."

* * *

"What did the monster do this time?" asked Umbridge nervously, not entirely sure she wanted to know.

"It's awful," said Auror Dawlish. "The two boys were repeatedly tortured with cutting, probably for information or something, and then the perpetrator decided he or she was done playing around. Both boys' genitals were cut off and shoved down the other's throat and they were both sodomized with a knife before their stomachs were sliced open as they were left to dangle from the beams of the ceiling."

Umbridge felt she needed to go to the hospital wing to get an Anti-Nausea potion.

"And there's no way of knowing who did this?"

"None, ma'am. Not a single spell was used on the victims and the only magic was the silencing spell on the room cast from Mr. Crabbe's wand. There is something else, though."

"What?"

He pulled out a long sheaf of parchment.

"Seems that Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle have not been the most upstanding of students," Dawlish said in disgust. "This is their confession, probably compiled by the killer during their 'interrogation,' of every misdeed these boys committed or aided young Mr. Malfoy in doing."

Umbridge read the list and was shocked. Not that she cared about Mudbloods or half-blood bastards, but several daughters of distinguished families had been assaulted. If word got back to Cyrus Greengrass or Walter Davis that their daughters had been sexually exploited…let's just say it would not be good. Then there was the matter of the parents of the murder victims; Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle had been apoplectic at the death of their heirs and things were already going from bad to worse.

* * *

"Potter!"

Harry sighed and turned to see who was about to launch accusations against him this time. He was shocked when he saw Tracey Davis and Daphne Greengrass standing there, each with a gift in hand.

"Miss Davis, Miss Greengrass," Harry greeted evenly.

"Mr. Potter, we aren't sure how you did it, but we know you were involved in the deaths of Draco and his two goons," said Daphne.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Come off it, Potter," said Tracey. "Your Golden Boy routine may work on some but we know you either were the one who did it or you know who did it."

"Let's just say that you weren't the only girls who were taken advantage of," Harry said, glancing quickly at Sally-Anne Perks who was standing just up the hall.

"Whatever the case, we brought these gifts for whoever it was that did it," Daphne continued. "That person avenged the heiresses of the Greengrass and Davis families. Keep them if you are the one who did it, or give it to the person who did."

Both girls thrust the gifts into Harry's hands. One appeared to be a book on how to torture with Dark spells and not get caught, the other was a box filled with what looked like Muggle surgical tools.

"Also, just so you know, Draco and the bookends weren't the only Slytherin boys to rape other students," said Tracey. "I could give you a list if you want."

"Thank you, Miss Davis," said Harry. "Shall we discuss it after dinner this evening?"

Daphne and Tracey exchanged looks.

"Why, Mr. Potter, are you asking me on a date?" said Tracey.

Harry blushed and sputtered.

"Eight o'clock in the Astronomy Tower," Tracey said with a grin. "Don't be late."

* * *

Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini were no idiots; in fact, they were probably the last genuinely Slytherin boys of the old families left. While Blaise knew that he wasn't in danger because he hadn't done anything and didn't come from a Death Eater family, Theo was not so lucky. While Theodore Nott hadn't done anything himself and personally didn't give a rat's arse about pure-blood dogma, he was fully aware of the fact that his father was a Death Eater. So, the only sensible thing he could do to avoid the purge he knew was coming was to meet with the one person who had both the motive and the ability.

"Um, Potter, can I speak with you?"

Theo flinched a bit under the glares from the Gryffindor table as Harry stood and followed him out of the Great Hall. Theo knew very well that Potter only followed him because he knew he was the most dangerous thing around and that Theo wouldn't stand a chance if he tried anything.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Nott?"

"I know you were the one to off Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle."

"Well, you certainly are straightforward, aren't you?"

Theo tried to make himself look as small as possible, not easy when Potter was a full head shorter than him.

"The thing is, I wanted to come right to the point and tell you that I never did anything like what those three did."

"But you held your silence on it and didn't report it, did you?"

"I did! I told Snape about what those bastards did to Daphne and Tracey but he just dismissed it. He said that I was just making it up and that, even it were true, that's what girls are supposed to be used for. I think he may even have done as much to students as well."

Harry grit his teeth. Snape was going to suffer a slow and agonizing death.

"Thank you for telling me this, but why do you care?"

Theo shuffled his feet nervously.

"My father is a Death Eater," he admitted. "But, more than that, he's a monster. He killed my brother Daniel when he found out he was a Squib. Cut his throat right in front of us. He beat my mother to death with a Bludgeoning Hex because she gave birth to a daughter, my baby sister Eleanor. I have an older sister, Francine, but my father kept her out of Hogwarts to 'homeschool' her."

"What did he actually do?"

"He's used her since she was eight as a way of making deals with other Dark families. The first time I found out, I was seven and was listening in on a business deal between my father and Lucius Malfoy. As part of the bargain, Malfoy got to have sex with Francine and I saw it all happen." Theo's eyes were filled with angry tears. "I just want you promise that, when you go after the adult Death Eaters, that you make my father's death as horrific as possible but spare my sisters. God only knows what's been happening to Eleanor while I've been gone."

Harry paused for a moment and stuck out his hand, which Theo eagerly shook.

* * *

After that night, the mysterious attacker struck eight more times. Each victim was a male from Slytherin, each one had done horrific things to other students, and each one died slowly and painfully. No matter what they did, the DMLE couldn't figure out who the culprit was. Several more days passed and two pure-blood boys from Ravenclaw were found mutilated; lists of their crimes against other students were pinned to their chests.

Four days later, Pansy Parkinson became the first female victim; her dead body was found strung up on a meat-hook in the middle of a corridor and the words "Death Eater Whore" were carved into her chest; as a rather ironic twist, the one who did it had also locked a cast-iron chastity-belt on Miss Parkinson. Her list of crimes was not as long as that of the male victims, but it did include use of the Unforgiveables on other students and aiding Death Eaters. There was also a confession the victim was forced to write that stated that she was a whore who spread her legs for more than just Draco Malfoy; seems that she had willingly been selling herself to her daddy's contacts for the same price as a Knockturn Alley prostitute.

* * *

A strange thing about Hogwarts, aside from the magic and the constant near-death experiences, was the fact that there was a Christian chapel on the sixth floor. It had mostly fallen out of use, but it had once been frequented by Godric Gryffindor who, despite the witch-hunts by the church in his day, was a devout Christian. There it was that Harry Potter hid away and silently prayed to whatever higher power existed to forgive him of the rather "excessive" measures he had had to take.

"Harry, we've got some new intel," Sally-Anne whispered.

"Shhh, this is a place of peace," Harry whispered gently. He opened his eyes and looked up at the mural of St. George slaughtering a horde of Saracens, an image that would be deemed incredibly racist by modern standards.

Harry finished up his prayers and followed his collaborator outside.

"So, what did you want to say?"

"Well, I'm guessing there's more than one reason why Malfoy got on the Slytherin Quidditch team when he sucked so terribly at it," Sally-Anne said. She held up a photo of Marcus Flint. "Seems that Flint liked 'em young, skinny, and male."

"Bit late, though, he's already left Hogwarts."

"Well, we were going to go after alumni and Death Eaters eventually. Luna's already going to take you place and it's not like anyone in Ravenclaw ever looks for her."

"What about you?"

"The nice thing about Hufflepuffs is that they don't ask too many questions. Besides, I've got another reason to go after Flint."

"Which is?"

"My boyfriend admitted to me last night that Flint had made unwanted advances on him when he was in first year."

Harry paused.

"Any particular piece of anatomy you want to remove yourself?"

* * *

Hermione looked with concern at her best friend who was currently fast asleep in the middle of Transfiguration class. She suspected that Harry hadn't been getting much sleep and she doubted he was studying. No, she had begun to suspect that Harry was seeing someone and hadn't bothered to tell her! Hermione had noticed Harry was spending an unusual amount of time away from her and Ron, often in the company of girls Hermione hadn't thought Harry even knew the name of. When she shook him awake at the end of class, he hopped out of his seat and headed straight for the door only for Hermione to grab him and drag him off down the corridor to a secluded spot to give him a piece of her mind.

"All right, Harry James Potter, I want answers and I want them now," she said.

"Hermione, please, I've had a long night's studying and I'm very-"

"Don't even think of pulling the 'I was studying' line on me, Harry. I know exactly what you are up to."

"You do?" Harry said nervously, thumbing his wand and dreading the thought of having to Obliviate his best friend.

"Yes I do. And I am outraged that you didn't think to tell me."

"Well, it's not exactly something that's easy to talk about."

"You know you can tell me anything, Harry," Hermione said, sounding exasperated. "I could have helped you, but you didn't even think to bring it up."

"Wait, so you're _okay_ with what I'm doing?"

"What you choose to do in your spare time is up to you, Harry, but it's important that you at least let me know so I won't worry about you when you stay out all night."

"How do you know-?"

"Oh please, the person who's shown up in the common room to give you an alibi is so obviously Luna Lovegood Polyjuiced to look like you. The only reason no one else has figured it out is because almost everyone in Gryffindor is stupid, or else so busy studying for exams they don't pay attention."

"So, you'd really like to help me with what I'm doing?"

"Of course I would, Harry. You know I'd support you in anything."

"Great! Because I need an extra hand when I go to torture Mr. Nott to death and get his two daughters out of their abusive environment tonight."

"Wait, what?" Hermione's said, not sure she understood what she'd just heard.

"You said you'd help me with my Purge of the magical world. As I just told you, we're hitting Nott's house and tomorrow we're going to burn down Malfoy Manor. Come on, I'll introduce you to my fellow conspirators." He grabbed her hand and cheerily led her down the hallway.

Hermione's brain, meanwhile, had just gone completely blank for the first time in her entire life.

* * *

"Bad job over at the Nott residence," Kingsley explained to his boss, Amelia Bones. "Seems that the same person who's been attacking those students at Hogwarts has expanded."

"What have we got?" Bones asked as they entered the crime scene.

"Both girls were drugged to keep them asleep when it happened. Nott Sr. was dragged screaming from his bed, tied up, blinded with a red-hot poker, had each of his fingers cut off with a dull knife, had the words 'Daughter-raping, son-murdering, Death Eater bastard' carved into his arms, and finally stabbed through the throat and left to bleed out."

"Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy," Amelia said as she examined the corpse. "He was involved in my brother's murder and then claimed Imperius. Bastard."

"There is something else, boss. The two girls were taken to St. Mungo's and the eldest one has evidence of continuous sexual assault. The younger girl has signs of physical harm, but nothing sexual."

"So, the message was accurate. What about the other claim?"

"We questioned the Nott boy at school and he says that his father murdered his younger brother Daniel when the boy turned out to be a Squib."

Amelia rubbed the bridge of her nose. This was going to mean a lot of paperwork for her.

* * *

**Author's Note: Not sure where I'm going with this. I was planning on having it very dark and violent but with Harry remaining relentlessly cheerful. You know, there's really something to be said about people who can torture, maim, and kill and yet still maintain a very upbeat attitude; they are freaking INSANE. Oh, please note that I do not in ANY WAY condone the use of torture nor do I support the concept of eugenics or anything done during the witch-hunts.**


	4. Who do ya Think You're Fooling?

**This is what happens what you're addicted to Muppets, you start remembering songs from their old movies and stuff. **

**I don't own Harry Potter or any songs from the movie "Muppet Classic Theater."**

Who do ya Think You're Fooling?

Harry simply stared at Dumbledore as the image of Professor Trelawney faded from the pensieve. He blinked a few times and then, without warning, burst into laughter.

"I can't believe you ruined my life because of what that stupid hack said," he choked out.

"Harry, this is no joking matter!" Dumbledore insisted, fearing that maybe leaving Harry unattended with the Dursleys all those years wasn't such a good idea.

"Sorry, headmaster, but I just can't believe you this time."

"W-what?"

"I am very sorry, sir, but you've cried wolf too many times in the past only to let me down, you've betrayed my trust. I simply cannot believe you."

"But-but-but-I just _proved_ it."

That's when the music started up.

"_Who do ya think you're fooling?_" sang Harry.

"_Yeah, right, sure_," the DA added, appearing in the doorway of the office, much to Dumbledore's surprise.

"_I guess Hogwarts is falling_."

"_Hey, we've heard it all before._"

"_You've pulled the wool right over my eyes_

_Too many times with all of your lies._

_So, who do ya think you're fooling?_"

"_Yeah, right, sure!_" the chorus answered.

"_There was the Stone_," sang Hermione.

"_And then the basilisk_," sang Ron.

"_The thousand dementors_," sang Neville.

"_The murderer Black_," sang Susan.

"_The attack at the Ministry_," sang Ginny.

"_And then this prophecy_," sang Hannah.

"_Now you're just playing, on my sympathy_," sang Harry.

The students lined up to confront the headmaster.

"_The dangerous brooms_," sang Angelina Johnson.

"_The Whomping Willow_," sang Katie Bell.

"_You had us running, from a three-headed hound_," sang Harry.

"_So tell us how-when you endanger us_," they all sang together.

"_That you'd change in us, the free will we've found_," sang Harry. "We are all teenagers, you know."

There was a neat little transition note as Dumbledore scrambled to gather evidence to convince Harry, including sworn testimony and top secret documents.

"_Who do ya think you're fooling?_

_Yeah, right, sure!_

_I guess Hogwarts is falling._

_Hey, we've heard it all before!_"

"_You've pulled the wool right over my eyes_

_Too many times with all of your lies_," sang Harry. "_So, who do you think you're fooling?_"

"_Yeah, right, sure!_" added the DA.

"_There was the time_

_We trusted in you,_

_Now we have to,_

_Ignore your demand._

_Oh, you're pulling his leg,_

_But Harry's too smart now._

_Go away, sir,_

_We trust Harry's command!_"

"_Who do ya think you're fooling?_" sang Harry.

"_Yeah, right, sure!_"

"_I guess Hogwarts is falling._"

"_Hey, we've heard it all before!_"

_You've pulled the wool right over my eyes_

_Too many times with all of your lies._

_So, who do ya think you're fooling?_" sang Harry.

"But I'm not trying to-!" Dumbledore protested.

"_Yeah, right-!_"

"_Who do ya think you're fooling?_" Harry repeated.

"But if you'd just listen to-!"

"_Yeah, right-!_"

"Who do you think you're fooling, anyhow?" said Harry as the DA began to file out the door.

"I am just trying to tell you that you have a destiny to fulfill," Dumbledore said with a sigh.

"_Yeah, right, sure!_"

The door slammed shut behind Harry as Dumbledore sank to the floor in misery. No, leaving Harry with the Dursleys and ignoring him all this year was a terrible idea.


	5. Good Morning Potter

**Yet another example of Hairspray creeping into my normal thought process.**

**I don't own Harry Potter and any parody of any song from Hairspray is purely my own creation, so there is no copyright infringement.**

Good Morning Potter

Deep in the Slytherin dungeons, a certain fifth-year girl was pleasantly sleeping away; of course, the big smile on her face would make an onlooker think she was actually wide awake. This particular girl was one of the two beauties of the den of Snakes, with her lovely soft skin and her long, light brown hair. This girl's name was Tracey Davis.

The old-fashioned alarm clock began to ring and she gently tapped it off and stretched, showing off her silky green lingerie. As sure as Slytherins are associated with evil, Tracey started her morning with a cheery melody.

"_Oh, oh, oh,_

_Woke up today, feeling the way_

_I al-ways do._"

She hopped out of bed.

"_Oh, oh, oh,_

_Hungry to get that guy I crave,_

_He's every girl's fave._

_I will destroy, those who would steal my boy,_

_So it will be just down to him and me._"

She pulled on her emerald-trimmed school robes.

"_Oh, oh, oh,_

_Soon you will know you only belong to Tracey._"

Here she flung open the door of her wardrobe, revealing a shrine dedicated to Harry Potter.

"_Good morning, Po-otter!_

_I'm yours for-ev-er-more!_

_Just give this Slyth girl a try,_

_To prove that you're my guy!_

_Good morning, Po-otter!_

_And, someday, when I take to the floor,_

_The magical world's gonna wake up to see,_

_Harry Potter and me._"

She ignored the stares from her roommates and flounced out of the dorm, through the common room, and out into the hallway. As she made her way along to the Great Hall, she stopped to check her reflection in a suit of armor.

"_Oh, oh, oh,_

_Look at this face,_

_Nothing can replace_

_Such per-fec-tion._

_Oh, oh, oh,_

_Don't need no makeup to look this glam,_

_I'm great as I am._

_The portraits in the hall,_

_I can hear them cat-call._

_They seem to say "Tracey, go get your man!"_

_So, oh, oh,_

_Don't stand in the way of my brilliant ma-aster plan!_"

Here she kicked open the doors of the Great Hall, drawing the attention of every person.

"_Good morning, Po-otter!_

_Over with your sidekicks in Gryf-findor!_

_Plotting Malfoy's expulsion from school,_

'_Cause that idea is totally cool._

_Good morning, Po-otter!_

_And, someday, when I take to the floor,_

_The magical world's gonna wake up to see_

_Harry Potter and me!_"

Here she stood up on the Slytherin table.

"_I know every curse, I know every charm,_

_That can do Death Eaters all kinds of harm._

_I know you're planning to destroy the Toad,_

_So please invite me before I explode!_

_So, oh, oh,_

_Give me the test,_

'_Cause when I start to hex,_

_I'm a champ-ion._

_Oh, oh, oh,_

_Something inside of me takes control,_

_And your allure takes its toll._

_Daph tells me 'no'_

_But that urge tells me 'GO'!_

_It's like a message from Merlin himself._"

Tracey then did some very sexy dance moves that caught the attention of most of the male population present.

"_So, oh, oh,_

_Don't tell my devotion to go and be put on the shelf!_

_I love you, Po-otter!_

_My body is yours to explore!_

_I'll make your nights a living fan-ta-sy!_

_If you only decide to agree!_

_And I promise you, Po-otter!_

_That, someday, we will take to the floor,_

_And the magical world will wake up to see,_

_It's gonna wake up to seeee_

_Harry Potter and me!_

_Harry Potter and me!_

_Harry Potter and meeeee!_"

Everyone stared in shock at the display the Slytherin girl had just performed. There was a silence you could cut with a knife. Until…

"Morning, everyone," Harry said as he walked into the Great Hall. "What did I miss?"


End file.
